By Mack Julion
The whole good girl and bad boy thing is still something I could never fully wrap my mind around. Yeah, but before I get into anything…when I say “bad boys” I’m using my following definition…
Bad boy is but not limited to Mack’s following definition:
1. A male who knows exactly how to act, and what to say to manipulate women into giving him what he wants I.E. their vagina 2. A Womanizer. 3. A male who is known to everyone, including the woman that he dates that he’s not faithful or trustworthy. 4. A male who uses derogatory terms when referring to women, and treats them as such.
Ok cool…since we’ve gotten that out the way; let’s talk about why girls like bad boys. We must also understand that the ultimate goal for most bad boys is not a companion, nor a long-term significant other. Yet, the goal for most bad boys is to achieve sexual conquest from women…multiple women. He wants the panties and understands he may have to undergo a series of flawed relationships, or simply run game and make absolutely no commitments to take them panties.
While we’re at it, we might as well break down the different types or stages of bad boys:
Bad Boy (stage 1) – He is the “I’m not really looking for a relationship right now, but we can chill” type bad boy. You see, he is the “we can be cool, but I’m not trying to get into anything serious right now”…but what that’s really saying is “I’m not really that into you…we can mess around, but we’re not together so you can’t claim me or call me your bf, and I can “leave” you anytime and be fully justified because I told you this up front.” I think many “stage 1’s” were good guys who got hurt and we know that hurt people, hurt people. The stage 1 bad boy is interesting because even though they are actually nice guys at heart, they skillfully lie and take advantage of weaknesses by creating the notion that a relationship is possible. They appear to have their head on straight, maybe a decent job, goals and a future, yet they will string you along with no commitment and will abandon ship when they get bored. Y’all can go on dates, out to eat, be intimate…basically do EVERYTHING that a couple does…but it don’t matter because he won’t commit. With the stage 1, you feel important because of his status…just to be associated with him makes you feel good. For example, “I really like this team and since I’m a free agent I can sign the contract, but I don’t want to really make that commitment. The team want’s me bad, but I don’t know because what if there is another team that is better for me?, but I want to be on the team though. I just don’t wanna sign the contract to make it official…soooo just don’t sign anyone else but wait for me to make up my mind. Also, let me use your practice facilities whenever I want and you can let people know that we’re negotiating the idea of me possibly signing, but nothing is confirmed. Also, I still have the option of signing with another team a day before the season start and you can’t hold that against me because I never committed to your team”. Let that marinate…
Bad Boy (stage 2) – He doesn’t really have much going for him, but thinks he does. He’s not necessarily pushing you to be your best because he’s not productive in his own life…although he wants to believe he is. He hasn’t accomplished much and because you want to be with someone, that’s who you settled with. He downgrades your goals and doesn’t support you on the things that matter to you. He’s narcissistic and only thinks about himself and his goals. You don’t really feel loved or desired by him. Although he has committed himself to you, he hasn’t by his actions. He NEVER comes around for family functions or any get together. Excuse after excuse after excuse smh. “Yeah, I would come but you know my elbow be acting up after I hug people, and you know how thanksgiving be…everybody be trying to hug all the time.” He’ll even get you with “I would go with you to your parents 50th anniversary party, but that just seems like such a great time for you to enjoy with your siblings. I don’t want to disrupt that”. YOU BUY RIGHT INTO THOUGH! Low key, your friends don’t really like him. They tried to hit you with the “so, do you think you’re really compatible with him?”…. After you were like “girrrrl yaassss”…They’ve decided to just leave it alone. After it’s over, you realize that you’ve gained nothing and wasted soooo much time. Bye Felicia.
Bad Boy (stage 3) – It’s just something about him. You’re not attracted to him for real-for real, but you actually kind of are, and you don’t know why. Maybe it’s the fact that he could have murdered someone yesterday that gives you this adrenaline rush lol . He’s a rough neck so you feel safe and secure. He embodies the third and fourth definition I used to define bad boy. You went from sitting at home listening to sermons from last week’s bible study, to riding around with him as he turns up to the latest multi-ratchet banger by “lil so-and-so featuring young nobody”. The smell of smoke in your car that he’s always driving is a normal thing now. He lies and you care but you kind of don’t want to see him leave so you ignore it. He always refers to women in a derogatory term and you feel some type a way about it. Similar to bad boy stage 1, you feel important because of his status. He doesn’t really know anything about you, or the dreams that you have in life. You try to get him to come to church or something positive, but he responds with “nah, they be too judgmental”. He can’t hold a conversation or spark your interest, but he’s sweet at times…like when he finds time to put the gas back in the car, or pay for the Chipotle….O_o. The curiosity and the rush of it is exhilarating. Romance??…What’s that because he doesn’t have any. Then almost randomly the ride stops…you get dropped off…about three other girls rush pass you and hop in. It’s a wrap. Bye Bye. Thanks for riding. Watch your step on the way out. You wanna know the crazy part about it?
You knew he was bad but you still drove down a road that had a computerized sign that said: “Construction road closure ahead. Take detour. Make a U-Turn. Avoid at all cost. Girl, stop driving the car!”…Yeah but you not only kept driving, but you sped to the dead end and crashed… and now you look like a goofy.
Going back to the definition real quick…I’ve had a series of conversations with women that said they couldn’t spot that “bad boy” and find they date these guys. I believe they actually do spot them and it’s subconscious. They make themselves believe that it’s not a problem, but deep down they know what’s up. Many women want to be the one who turns the bad boy into their good boy. They want to get him to commit, or change the direction of his life, or get baptized tomorrow or something. It’s basically because the behavior, as unhealthy, and ignorant as this might sound; I believe it triggers emotions in a woman necessary to make her feel appealing attraction. Their mindset may be that “the fact that the well known, desired, and popular male finds me to be attractive, I’m somebody now….I got me a bae, and I’m not single”. It’s a boost of self-esteem (whether you have low-self esteem or not) and makes some women feel hella’ validated.
Being one of the bad boys as I’ve described above, succeeds every time where “being the nice, courteous, and respectful gentlemen ” often fails. The good guy is that guy you can bring home to mom and dad, he’s getting the nod from Pastor, hugs from the Urrrsher board, your younger siblings love to be around him, your boy cousins talk sports and stuff with him and even…..even…..your girlfriends have co-signed on that transaction. Yassss you betah! You two have a healthy 2yr friendship turned relationship. He’s everything you need and more. He thinks about you, loves you, supports you, holds you accountable, knows everything about you. Where is he?? Well, about 50% of all good guys are trapped in the friend-zone you put them in. He is attractive to you, he’s everything I described above…but my theory is that many “good girls” become a female version of the stage 1 to a good guy she’s friend-zoned and don’t even realize it. Come on somebody. For the 50% of good guys left, many times he’s not the guy with the spotlight, or the guy who is the center of attention, but he’s always been there. He may not be your ideal guy with all the bells and whistles, but he never got a chance. You will have a class sitting next to him for an entire semester and he runs into you on a random Saturday at Starbucks and you’re like “oh….we had the same class?”. Point of the matter is this, these guys exist, but they kind of don’t because you’ve made them invisible and it was you who’ve made yourself magnetized and enticed by a stage 1, 2, or 3.
The problem with dating the bad boy (especially stage 1 and 3), is that you’re not the only one he’s with, and all signs point to a dead end, but you still going. Leaving many women (especially the black women I’ve talked to) to go through a series of “bad boy relationships” then believe “there are no faithful guys”, or the famous line that is said by hood-rats and hood-possums alike “all ni**as aint sh*t”…When the reality is you’ve been hurt consistently by bad boys who you’ve allowed to take advantage of you over and over again, which in part leads you to believe there are none who are “good”. If I was in a relationship with 3 or 4 different women within a duration of 4yrs and invested my heart, time, dreams, and trust in them just to find they’ve all cheated on me, or lied to me on the regular, I would completely understand the hurt coming from “they all no good”.
I would need that Derrick Rose recovery time to be able to jump back into a relationship. My fall-back game would have been noted in the books and etched in the annals of history because I would be so hurt. Lol timeout take me out the game coach.
I don’t fault some women for believing there are no good guys out there, yet I do challenge them to value themselves more than the guys they give themselves to, and the “status” they think they achieve when they get with that bad boy. One must think, what do I need to change so that I’m not attracting this type? Or better yet…what things do I need to let go off so that I’m not ATTRACTED to this type? I’m one to believe there is a group of women who like the drama that the bad boy brings, but don’t want the outcome of the downward spiral relationship. They have “#goals” under IG pics of T.I. & Tiny, Nicki and Meek, or even Tyga and…well….let me just leave that there. Why do our women who have so much going for them, and have so much potential and possibilities, but they follow after and idolize dysfunctional or unhealthy relationships? The reality being that many women can’t look at their mom’s relationship as a model of something healthy or fruitful. That’s real…they can’t. Some can’t look at their aunts as a model either…majority single or divorced. It actually be that way too.
Women, who enter a relationship with a bad boy feeling all types of good, but throughout the relationship they start feeling worthless. They don’t let it go because the notion then becomes “well….at least I have him”. Who wants to be broken and alone right? That’s why it’s hard for some women to leave the bad boy because with him she feels valuable and prized in her brokenness. It’s sad. She begins to place her value in him and loses herself.
The bad boy will only serve as fast food…you get it quick, it taste good at the moment, you can get it all times of the night, quick in and out, it’s cheap, its very unhealthy…. but you keep going back though.
Know your worth. You can literally be in a situation and think “wait…how much am I worth in this relationship?”…. and find out, you’re not worth a dime. That’s deep, but it’s real. Finally, good guys do exist…they really do. The guy that will respect you, encourage you to be the best you, who will love you, be faithful, open, supportive, honest and will not abort the relationship when the panties are given…or if they’re not. Just know that, that guy exist. You don’t even have to look for him either, because each day he’s looking for you…just make sure you don’t make him invisible.