Comparing myself to others almost destroyed my relationship with my father. I wish there were a shorter version to this story, but there isn’t.
Not to long ago I was in prayer about a few things that were heavy on my heart. I’m learning to be more open with myself and realize that I have deep rooted issues that needs healing. I confessed to the Lord that I have been comparing myself to a few people for years now, and that I was tired. As tears streamed down my face I was flooded of bittersweet memories. It has been a blessing to see some of my family and friends get married, but on the inside I couldn’t help but to think “Everyone is looking at me and wondering when will I jump the broom.” The same thoughts occur when I attend graduations of those receiving their Master’s or Ph.D., or when I meet someone excelling in the career of their choice. I even begin to question myself, “Nikki when will you go to grad school, or when will you excel in your career of choice?” Sometimes I feel like it’s the elephant in the room. Everyone is looking at me wondering “So, when will you be next?”
While in prayer the Lord revealed to me that He never intended for me to walk around with this burden. His word says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:30). I told God that I was tired of carrying this burden, I didn’t want it anymore, and that I was going to let it go that very moment.
Fast forward to one week later. My Daddy and I usually text each other a lot, but I noticed that I hadn’t heard from him in awhile. I sent him a text, and he responded by informing me that he was hurt that I hadn’t invited him to my ordination. Most of you guys don’t know this, but I was recently ordained as a minister. I explained to my Daddy that I didn’t invite anyone, which is the truth. At the last minute my mama went on Facebook and invited people, because she couldn’t believe how nonchalant I was being about the whole situation. Anyway, once I realized that I hurt my Daddy, I began to cry as I drove down the street. As I thought about it and was honest with myself, the reason that I didn’t make a big deal about it, is because I didn’t think people would even care, including my family. Since it wasn’t me inviting them to my wedding, or graduation ceremony, I felt like it really didn’t matter. It wasn’t until after the fact when people were telling me how much they would have loved to come, that I realized how much I’ve been downplaying my life.
I asked my mother to call my Daddy for me (I can be such a scary cat sometimes). My father went on to tell my mother that he’s so proud of me and wants to be apart of everything I have going on, nothing is small! Isn’t that awesome? But most importantly do you see how the enemy had completely flipped everything causing me to believe a lie? I’m so grateful that truth was exposed.
Since then I have spoken with my Daddy. We had a really good conversation a few days ago. I was sharing with him my career goals and he was basically reminding me of everything I’ve done thus far. He went on to say that I am on the brink of something BIG. After we got off the phone I coudn’t help but to smile at his words. That gave me an extra push that I needed.
So what am I saying? STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS. This is something that I have not mastered AT ALL, but I realize that if I don’t ask God to help me with this, things can become detrimental. My life will never look like the woman beside me and her life will never look like mine. Everyone has their own story. We come from different households, backgrounds, cultures, etc.
I’ll never know why some women are married with children and I’m not. And I shouldn’t waste precious time trying to figure out why. I can’t compare myself to people who are making six figures and above. This will only cause me to not appreciate the money that I do have. Currently I am clinging to a scripture that sums it all up:
“Each of you must examine your own actions. Then you can be proud of your own accomplishments without comparing yourself to others.”