Where do I even begin? For those of you who follow my blog, this is nothing new. However, it strangely feels new to me. To be honest, I’ve ALWAYS struggled with my weight. I remember sharing this inner battle with a friend and her reaction being complete shock. She didn’t have a clue. Actually, no one around me had a clue. Was I doing that great of a job masking the EVERYDAY turmoil my body was putting me through?
I thought/think about my weight EVERYDAY. And just like clockwork, every Monday is THEE day I begin to get it all together. Last Fall I gained a whopping 12 pounds. I blame it all on the fact that I was falling in love, and that process consisted of us eating whatever we wanted, when we wanted. And dessert was always a MUST. I know someone is probably thinking 12 pounds isn’t a big deal, but it is. Especially when it’s added to a body that I was already unhappy and insecure about. Yikes, I can’t believe I’m admitting this.
I’ll be 30 in June. Sidenote- be on the lookout for my #ThoughtsBefore30 series of posts. Anywho, this monumental moment in my life has me thinking about EVERYTHING. Literally. I’ve been chewing on this whole body image issue of mine and I don’t like it. I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to change, but it’s more than simply losing 20 pounds. And then I ran across this:
I don’t have any children yet, but this resonated with me. It actually made me feel a little dumb for being so upset with myself for not being the size I wanted to be. Without realizing it, I’d been fat shaming myself. For some reason I didn’t want people to see me eating what I label “fat food”. You know; honey buns, cheeseburgers, chips, etc. And don’t even bring up how much one weighs. I’ll never tell mine, until I reach my target weight. I know we shouldn’t let the numbers of how much we weigh and what size we are dictate our happiness. This is something I’m working through, so bear with me. However, I can say this: I recognize the struggle.
Me losing weight is NOT the answer. Sure, it’ll make me feel better about myself, and increase my self-esteem, but it can’t fix how I feel about myself inside. One thing I know for sure is this; being in shape doesn’t automatically mean one is confident, just as being overweight doesn’t automatically mean one is insecure. I see beautiful plus size women all the time who are extremely confident with themselves. It couldn’t be me though. And I wonder why? I’ve been listening to Beyonce’s “Pretty Hurts”, hence the name of this post, and I can’t stop thinking about the following lyrics:
We try to fix something, but you can’t fix what you can’t see. It’s the soul that needs the
So, this isn’t a “I’m about to get on track” post. I don’t plan on promising by this time next week I’ll be down 2 pounds and share my weight loss secrets. I’m not promising from here out I’ll be eating clean EVERYDAY. Nope. However, I am promising that I am really working on loving all of Nikki, no matter what size I happen to be. Who’s with me?