Pretty Hurts: The Struggle With My Weight

by Thursday, April 3, 2014

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Where do I even begin? For those of you who follow my blog, this is nothing new. However, it strangely feels new to me. To be honest, I’ve ALWAYS struggled with my weight. I remember sharing this inner battle with a friend and her reaction being complete shock. She didn’t have a clue. Actually, no one around me had a clue. Was I doing that great of a job masking the EVERYDAY turmoil my body was putting me through?

I thought/think about my weight EVERYDAY. And just like clockwork, every Monday is THEE day I begin to get it all together. Last Fall I gained a whopping 12 pounds. I blame it all on the fact that I was falling in love, and that process consisted of us eating whatever we wanted, when we wanted. And dessert was always a MUST. I know someone is probably thinking 12 pounds isn’t a big deal, but it is. Especially when it’s added to a body that I was already unhappy and insecure about. Yikes, I can’t believe I’m admitting this.

I’ll be 30 in June. Sidenote- be on the lookout for my #ThoughtsBefore30 series of posts. Anywho, this monumental moment in my life has me thinking about EVERYTHING. Literally. I’ve been chewing on this whole body image issue of mine and I don’t like it. I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to change, but it’s more than simply losing 20 pounds. And then I ran across this:

2014-01-10 15.57.38I don’t have any children yet, but this resonated with me. It actually made me feel a little dumb for being so upset with myself for not being the size I wanted to be. Without realizing it, I’d been fat shaming myself. For some reason I didn’t want people to see me eating what I label “fat food”. You know; honey buns, cheeseburgers, chips, etc. And don’t even bring up how much one weighs. I’ll never tell mine, until I reach my target weight. I know we shouldn’t let the numbers of how much we weigh and what size we are dictate our happiness. This is something I’m working through, so bear with me. However, I can say this: I recognize the struggle.

Me losing weight is NOT the answer. Sure, it’ll make me feel better about myself, and increase my self-esteem, but it can’t fix how I feel about myself inside. One thing I know for sure is this; being in shape doesn’t automatically mean one is confident, just as being overweight doesn’t automatically mean one is insecure. I see beautiful plus size women all the time who are extremely confident with themselves. It couldn’t be me though. And I wonder why? I’ve been listening to Beyonce’s “Pretty Hurts”, hence the name of this post, and I can’t stop thinking about the following lyrics:

We try to fix something, but you can’t fix what you can’t see. It’s the soul that needs the

surgery.

So, this isn’t a “I’m about to get on track” post. I don’t plan on promising by this time next week I’ll be down 2 pounds and share my weight loss secrets. I’m not promising from here out I’ll be eating clean EVERYDAY. Nope. However, I am promising that I am really working on loving all of Nikki, no matter what size I happen to be. Who’s with me?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wdF9jWKR9Y&feature=youtu.be

natcnewsig

10 Responses
  • Precious
    April 3, 2014

    Love this post! Very honest and transparent! You’re a beautiful person whether you weight 130 pounds or 200 pounds. :)

  • Melanie Patterson
    April 3, 2014

    Omg I feel you Nikki I just posted a similar story on my page we need to learn how to love us from within i had a baby 6 months ago and I feel so fat and unhappy about my tummy i had a c section I think a lot of us go through this and too ashamed to admit it but beauty lies within and we need to work on loving ourselves and boost our self esteem be encouraged and love yourself

  • PASCHA SHEPARD
    April 3, 2014

    That photo resonated with me, also. I have children and it certainly is NOT the same but I get the message. I obsess over my “mommy pouch” but no one can even see it and my man thinks my body is perfect; so why am I stressing? I enjoyed reading your post. Be encouraged. xx

  • Itohan
    April 3, 2014

    You’re gorgeous. Been that way since I’ve known you.

    That is all. :)

  • Andrea
    April 3, 2014

    I love this post. I also know as having “been there” myself that there is really nothing I or anyone can say that will make YOU feel good about YOU and YOUR BODY. However, having struggled with my own body image a few years ago, I took a few stands. First, I stopped getting on the scale. That number means absolutely nothing. It will never define me ever again. I continue to workout to feel good about myself. Believe it or not the day I stopped stepping on the scale is when I truly noticed change in my body. Pants were falling off of me. Dresses had more room in them. All because I stopped chasing a number.

    • Trelena Anderson
      April 4, 2014

      Ain’t that the truth! I have been looking at the scale, but you are right…I see changes every where else EXCEPT on the scale! But no more! The scale and I are breaking up.

  • Stephen "Just Steve" Carpenter
    April 3, 2014

    Awesome post, as usual. You’re GORGEOUS in and out and everywhere else BabyDoll!! point blank period!! i Love the transparency, such an inspiration…now lets hit this gym! lol

    signed your fiancé… :-)

    #Love

  • Trelena Anderson
    April 4, 2014

    By the way cuz, this is my first visit to your blog….you are doing an excellent job! Looking forward to reading more!

  • Beach Body Secrets
    April 4, 2014

    Sometimes I think the way we feel about ourselves is all in the mind. Two years ago I was about 20 pounds overweight, and friends and family told me I looked fine, but I didn’t feel good about myself. I had a hidden stash of “fat food” that I ate in secret and that made me feel guilty. I felt that if I lost the weight i’d feel more confident, so I tried various supplements that worked really well, so much so in fact that I lost the weight within 2 months. I got all sorts of compliments – everybody telling me I looked great – blah blah. BUT guess what? My body had changed dramatically, but my mind hadn’t changed – I still didn’t feel good about myself. So although the weight had gone – my self-sabotaging issues were still there. So don’t beat yourself up, healing and change is a process, it takes time. Gud luck!

  • Kerryann
    April 30, 2014

    Way to go with posting about your insecurities both in text and a visual. I must say I think you are gorgeous and I remember telling you that (all weird and stuff) before I even knew who you were. I watched your video and all I kept thinking was, she has beautiful teeth… I wish I had teeth like those. I think we all have insecurities and even after identifying them and working on them there will be days when those insecurities will rear their heads again. People wouldn’t believe I have insecurities but I do, I will not wear certain clothes because of those insecurities and I’m almost sure that I remember Beyonce some time ago, in an interview, mention her thighs being too thick as one of her insecurities. ain’t nothing wrong with being fit, fat and fabulous. Believe it or not my biggest struggle as a Jamaican with cultural differences is the few pounds that I have been trying to gain since puberty. I don’t talk about it much because people look at me funny. I think you’re beautiful as you are and that may not matter but i’m sure your fiancé feels the same way :) It is also good that you are taking steps to change what you are not satisfied with…way to go; i’ll be on the cheering team.

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