Nikki and the City

The Church’s Unhealthy Fetish With “Getting Married”: Wedding Chronicles

Photo credit: blackyouthproject.com

Photo credit: blackyouthproject.com

Raise your hand if you’ve ever fasted for God to send you a husband. I’m so glad that question wasn’t asked out loud in a packed church service, because unfortunately I would have to raise my hand. I’m not talking about fasting for direction in life, but actually turning over my plate, so God can send me a husband. Yuck. It’s a sad reality that’s a bit too common in the church. I’m a firm believer that the church’s unhealthy fetish has been going on for YEARS. It’s amazing that the spiritual eyes who continues to condone this behavior have yet to clearly see how much hurt this fetish has caused millions of single women around the world.

It seems like as soon as I hit the proper age for marriage, it became the highlight of my Christian walk. Literally. I wish I can I can take the blame, but I was actually encouraged by those around me. I can’t  tell you the hundred and hundreds of conversations that occurred between myself and my friends about when we’d get married. We would swap wedding books and share details for our big day. I can’t say any of us were close to getting married or actually dating someone, but that meant nothing to us. In our minds it was always “our season” to get married. With each passing year I remember saying “God is going to send my Boaz this year”. Sad to say, it would take years before I would have a new mindset of each year being GOD’s year, and completely surrender to His will. However, a GREAT amount of time was spent daydreaming about my “soon to come” prince, and an ever greater time was spent being frustrated at his slow arrival. Oh well, I was completely fine with planning our perfect wedding while awaiting his arrival.

We were made for more.

Now that my dream of being married is about to come true, I realize that my entire identity isn’t centered around being a wife. I’m thankful for women who’ve shared stories of losing and finding themselves after saying “I do”. Such a great emphasis is put on being someone’s wife, that’s it’s easy to forget the woman God made you. I WISH this was emphasized to me earlier in life. I wish every time I complained about wanting to be married, someone would have told me to pursue being an entrepreneur. I wish every time I felt sorry for myself because I was single, I’d have an epiphany on how many goals I have inside of me that I’ve yet to reach and realize I didn’t time for a pity party. I wish the church celebrated the awesomeness of individuals, instead of the single’s ministry low-key being a watch meeting for your potential spouse. I wish someone could have grabbed me by the shoulders screaming “You were made for more!”

Too many singles feel hurt and rejected.

It’s true. I was one of them. I thought maybe something was wrong with me, because I was single. I’d began to wonder if I’d ever obtain the amazing marriage status that was glorified by the church, instead of focusing on my status with Christ. I felt insecure around married couples and cringed whenever I’d receive their pity for my singleness. As if I was the one with the problem. While I don’t believe all single people want to be married and all married people want to be single, I do believe a lot of marriages are a result of pressure from the church.

The pressure of being a single Christian is real. As someone who was just there, I understand. Let me tell you, I WISH I could have been more wise in my singleness before my husband to be found me. Child, I would have been paying off all types of debt, taking more mini girls trip, establishing the Nikki and The City Brand, and simply living my life.

Christ lived his life on earth as a single man. The Apostle Paul was single. He even said:

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 1 Corinthians 7:8

The Apostle Paul knew the single person can solely focus on the things of the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:34) Why aren’t more churches teaching this truth? If this happened, more singles would feel totally edified and whole in their singleness, and wouldn’t covet marriage so much.

My brothers and sisters, don’t fall into the many traps of desiring to get married, that you never discover the awesome things God created you for outside of marriage. Also, let’ not forget the awesome, overwhelming love of the Father. Ahhhhhhhh it’s perfect in all its ways. No other love can compare. I’d like to picture God’s love for us looking a little something like this:

letmeloveyou

Yep. Receive it :)

Do you agree the church has an unhealthy fetish with “getting married”? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Sound off below!

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6 thoughts on “The Church’s Unhealthy Fetish With “Getting Married”: Wedding Chronicles

  1. Janelle

    Yes Nikki! This is so good. I’m so proud of your maturity and thoughtfulness. I’m now 37 and honestly feeling pretty content about being single at this point…but it makes those around me nervous. Almost every week at my community group someone prays for “Janelle’s husband” to come soon. I recently asked them to stop praying about that and to devote their prayer to something else. I’m tired of that being an issue. I want to spend my time praying that my brother will experience God’s redemption or for financial provision for the ministry I work for. We forget that everyone’s road map is different and we are on an adventure with God.

  2. Carmen

    Too true! A lot of single female Christians pursue God for the reward of a husband. As if that’s all we were created for!

  3. Daschell

    Nikki,
    I agree the issue of marriage is heightened in the church. At a group gathering a few years ago I mentioned that I started a small prayer group. One of the older women urged me for the rest of the evening to turn that group into a singles group. I guess she knew what was best, forget what God had planned :/. After being pestered by this woman I was so angry that I went home took a good look at my outlines and changed our foundation scripture from Proverbs 31 to Matthew 6:33 “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Making it clear that we are seeking to know God and his plans for our lives above all other desires.

  4. Bianca

    Just catching up on your blog posts…..as a single woman, I can relate to this post! Although I’ve never fasted for God to present my husband to me, I know the pressure the church, fam, peers, media, etc places upon singles to get married. Admittedly, I have prayed, cried and cursed at God many times that I’ll like to admit about my singleness and why he has woken my Adam. Currently approaching 30 and I’ve learned to be still and trust God’s timing (really trust it and not just say that I am). To know that there is purpose in my life as a single and to develop and cultivate my relationships with fam and friends, to learn to be financially savvy, to pursue all of my goals and dreams.

  5. Twesi

    I agree there is an unhealthy pressure for esp women to step into their roles as wives and mothers. It isn’t helped by social media with daily updates of pictures of weddings, pregnancies and baby showers and everyone feeling the need to ask a “single” woman what’s taking them so long to find their “Adam”. But there’s so much more to life, and behind many of those lovely weddings, huge rocks on fingers, fb, Instagram and Pinterest pics are extremely unhappy marriages(I know of many). I would rather remain single and fulfilled than be married and unhappy. In fact, I find that one ought really to explore the depths of who God created them to be as an individual and love and enjoy that person before they can receive the kind of love God intended them to receive from a spouse. Singledom is a gift to be cherished, not a disease to be cured from.

  6. Shon Hyneman

    I don’t think single Christians are pressured into marriage, but more concerned about “If I get married sex won’t be a sin” After those 5 min is up, you still have to live with this person for 23hrs & 55min. LOL! Great article

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